In order to save a little cash for reoccurring expenses due to a member’s illness, a rather large family moves into an old house in the country.  Nothing about the house gives you that warm and cozy feeling and most of the time our characters feel the same.  It is soon discovered that torture, cultism, and other rituals were preformed within the walls and that many of the restless spirits still inhabit the structure.  As if you needed to up the creepiness factor, the house was also a mortuary.   SWEET!

It sounds like we’re in for a huge supernatural extravaganza, right?   Well, this film carries on many themes and ideas, possibly too many, and while some of the paranormal scenes are quite interesting, many miss the mark completely.  As a result, The Haunting of Connecticut falls flat.  It could have easily been so much more, but so many scares and wonderment are forfeited do to the fact that the film constantly tries to add unnecessary value to characters that are extremely difficult to admire.   The drunken father is almost unbearable in too many scenes.  Along with the father, the history of the house is far more interesting than any other character in the film, but still, too frequently we are asked to have sympathy and even relate with many of the characters.  It doesn’t happen.  Maybe if the film focused more on giving life to the house instead of its trite characters???  Just a thought….

So what’s with the cover art?  Well, other than it being a bit odd…and gross, it’s also intriguing for those who have followed the paranormal, and perhaps biological, theories of tangible extractions of ectoplasm.  It is said that a spirit can pass through, if not already inside a live subject, during the practices of certain séances.  The spirit will move from the human host through its orphases.  Yikes!  And, GROSS!  Well, it’s said that the ectoplasm moves out of mostly nostrils and mouths and that it has a distinct smell and an actual cloudy shape.  A chilling scene in the film shows a rather tense séance that involves the removal of ectoplasm from a young boy’s mouth.  The snap shot on the DVD cover is from this scene.  Anyway, what starts off as a tense enactment suddenly turns into a scene of letdown due to poor CGI animation.  The rest of the film can be summed up in much of the same manner.  Do to clumsy scare tactics and odd animations, even when the ectoplasm starts flowing, The Haunting of Connecticut never really manages to get under your skin.

While many of the themes in the film are interesting, in the end, the scenes play out with too much focus on family values and not enough attention is given to the necessary elements that are needed to build a horror film that can draw its audience in.  I’d love to see a film that fully examines the ideas of ectoplasm and séances.  The Haunting of Connecticut is not that film.  If anything, it can quickly be forgotten.

Jennifer Tree (Elisha Cuthbert) is everywhere. Billboards, television, magazines…she IS America’s next top model. But here, the famous blond is unhappy. She hardly gets anytime to herself. While Jennifer’s depression sinks in it lowers her guard and leaves it just a little easier for her to be stalked. After a long day of photo shoots Jennifer goes to a very uppity club with her dog, (Yes people with her dog. I don’t get it either.) where she is drugged with an Appletini and subsequently kidnapped by our unseen villain…

When Jennifer wakes up, she hears the ocean and even sees the beach from where she lies. However, it’s all a clever ruse to throw her off guard. The ocean is nothing but sound effects and a projected beach image on a screen. Jennifer soon realizes she’s in a sort of prison and freaks out.

Jennifer is coerced into doing things like change her clothes and eat vitamins by an ever present host that she cannot see. When she’s a bad girl and doesn’t do as her captor bids, she is gassed and punished. And by punished I mean fed a blender of freshly pureed body parts forced down her throat via funnel. Um…eww. It’s kind of an awesomely grotesque scene. The other punishments are just as great…threatened with acid in the face or having to shoot her own dog or herself. I hated that dog anyway.

After what seems like a day of imprisonment, Jennifer realizes there is someone is a cell next to hers and she’s not in this alone. Gary (Daniel Gillies) thinks he’s been in his cell for at least three days. The two decide they’ll find a way out together. Eventually Gary and Jen form a bond just in time to find out it’s probably the last day they will be kept alive. This is where the film offers us a twist, all be it the most obvious one, but a twist none the less.

Captivity has a great premise and it’s gonna suck you in. I loved it. The torture games Jennifer is forced to play are a bit reminiscent of Saw, but the movie as a whole is interesting enough that you forgive its unoriginal nature. And the scenes at the very end of the film brings us full circle to the mummified tube tortured dude at the beginning …I’ll let you decide if you find it a bit hack. So, yeah, it got me. Captivity sucked me in and for the most part it’s a thrilling horror film, it certainly made me look over my shoulder as I sipped my next Appletini.

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Alex Cross (Morgan Freeman) witnesses the death of his partner in a set up that goes bad and dwells in sorrow and regret for a good eight months. Meanwhile at a very private school the Secret Service has a very close watch on a young girl Megan Rose (Mika Boorem) a senator’s daughter. Jezzie Flannigan (Monica Potter) is the agent closest and in the know about all things Megan. But guess what happens? The Secret Service is blind sided when Megan is kidnapped by one of her teachers.

After a few hours of no one realizing how this could have happened, the kidnapper, Megan’s teacher Mr. Soneji (Michael Wincott), pulls off his fake face and reveals himself to the little girl and contacts Alex Cross. Apparently Soneji want’s Cross on the case. If I didn’t mention before the James Patterson character Alex Cross has written many books about the cases he’s solved, and even though he’s retired it seems Sonjei want’s only one man on the case. But to what end? Things get tense as the senator bears down on Alex and his new partner out of necessity Jezzie. They realize Megan wasn’t the real target, and it all goes down hill from there.

Along Came a Spider has lots of twists after we think we know what’s going on. It’s is a bit obvious, and yet I still really liked this movie. A great whodunit is always a nice break from explosions and stabbings. The direction is pretty standard and nothing to scream about. However, the opening sequence when Cross loses his partner is pretty cool. That car chase is nice and quick but it looks great. If you’re a James Peterson fan you’ll love Spider. If you’re not, give it a chance. It has some pretty cool quirks that might really pull you in.

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* Acting – 4
* Blood – 1
* Violence – 3
* Partying – 1
* Language – 2
* Humor – 2
* Predictability – 4
* Girls – 1
* Gore – 1
* Sexuality – 1
* Torture – 1
* Overall – 1

We meet Mike Enslin (John Cusack) a writer of mediocre travel logs that give insight to the most haunted spots in America. He seems to be on the last leg of a tour of hotels to review for his new book. He’s bored, he drinks, and he seems a very bitter disillusioned man. That all changes when he receives a cryptic postcard from The Dolphin Hotel in Manhattan that states only…”don’t enter 1408.” How can a man resist? It’s obviously sent by the staff of The Dolphin to get Enslin to come to the hotel, stay in 1408, and write a review all about his horrific stay.

Mike tells his agent (Tony Shaloub) he wants to end the book with a chapter about The Dolphin and mysterious room 1408, but keeps running into walls when trying to reserve the room for a night. Finally Mike goes to check in and has a creepy meeting with the hotel manager Gerald Olin (Samuel L. Jackson) who begs of Mr. Enslin not to stay in 1408, and that no one has ever lasted more than an hour. He even offers him a very fine bottle of scotch and evidence that more than 30 people have lost their lives in that room…a maid who blinded herself after 10 minuets locking in the bathroom alone, people cutting each other open, men and woman throwing themselves from the “14th” story window. None of this discourages Mike’s determination to stay in the room, he’s positive the Manager is putting on a show to force Mike’s hand at an extra creepy review. Mike gets the key and heads up alone to the 14th floor.

Everything starts out just fine. A mysterious chocolate on the pillow, a broken thermostat, a clock radio that croons “We’ve only just begun…” all on its own. I mean, I too can take a little Carpenters now and then, but, come on Mike, even the clock radio is telling you to get the hell out…take a friggin’ hint.

After about an hour of Mike sitting out the evening…the room really kicks into high gear, showing him ghosts, giving him a count down from an unplugged clock, creepy sounds…and then, visions. Yes my friends the room isn’t so much haunted as it is a separate evil entity that wants to swallow your soul and will stop at nothing to devour it whole.

1408 gave me a great start and a fantastic cast, however the film had no real staying power. By the end we’re bored and not only that…we’ve guessed the ending. Well we’ve guessed the fake ending. The movie uses one of my least favorite plot devices. The device being? The waking up and realizing it as all a dream, or a flight of fancy induced by a bump on the head. 1408 is a little more complicated than your regular wake up and realize none of its real shtick but still its there and makes me feel like a boob for falling for the movies initial scares when there’s no real pay-off.

If you’re a Cusack fan, give it a try. (Oh, and, has anyone else noticed that the older John Cusack gets the more he looks like Alan Rickman?) And I love both Samuel L. and Tony Shaloub so much that just a mere cameo by either warrant a viewing. So yeah, partake of 1408, just don’t close the door behind you…because if you do? It’ll probably just smack your ass on the way in…and out.

* Acting – 5
* Blood – 2
* Violence – 4
* Partying – 1
* Language – 4
* Humor – 3
* Predictability – 3
* Girls – 1
* Gore – 2
* Sexuality – 1
* Torture – 4
* Overall – 2

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“Bubba” starts in an old folk’s home. An Elvis impersonator with an odd growth on his dick is miserable. Not only because of the lump on his “little buddy”, but because no one believes he’s really Elvis.

A young girl Callie (Heidi Marnhout) comes to collect her dead father’s belongings. And gives the film it’s much needed babe factor. If she wasn’t there we’d only have two old men and an ancient mummy to stare at for the next hour and a half. Not that the storyline isn’t great, but, in the great tradition of any horror film, we need a little T and A.

We meet Elvis’ best friend a few rooms down, JFK played by Ossie Davis. Turns out this rest home has some real historical oddities under its roof. According to Mr. President after his nearly missed assassination his brain was put into the body of an African American man and placed in protective custody. Now with his administration long gone no one remembers where Mr. Kennedy is, hence his current incarceration in a home for assisted living.

Our boys soon discover, after Elvis is attacked by a large mutant beetle that has escaped from a candy tin, that some outside force is sucking the life out of the other retirees. It’s up to them to stop whatever it is from killing them all. Turns out it’s an ancient mummified god trying to resurrect himself. This is Elvis and JFK’s last chance at redemption.

Now, “Bubba” may not be for everyone. It is a tad on the slow side. It’s incredibly funny. And the mummy effects on Mr. Ho-tep are awesome. The story of Elvis switching places with the world’s best Elvis impersonator is told in flashbacks. The whole story leads to a showdown with JFK (in a walker), Elvis, and Ho-Tep. If I was to compare it to anything…it would be a long “Tales from the Crypt.” I give the film an A+ for its originality and heart. Maybe a boo on the horror side, but like I said the monster effects are great. There’s a really funny special edition DVD that comes wrapped in a white leather and gold studded Elvis jacket. High camp, low scares. So, all you Elvis fans out there step right up for the battle of the century “The King vs. The King of the Dead.”

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* Acting – 5
* Blood – 3
* Violence – 3
* Partying – 1
* Language – 5
* Humor – 5
* Predictability – 3
* Girls – 4
* Gore – 3
* Sexuality – 4
* Torture – 1
* Overall – 3

We open…like so many slasher flicks, on an insane asylum. Some one gets stabbed in the eye, someone escapes. Nice and dark and creepy….it involves a candy cane, but I don’t wanna spoil too much. We cut too…Christmas Eve in a Sorority house with the left over roomies getting ready to head out and celebrate, but a demanding and cheery house mom won’t let the Christmas spirit die. The Sorority Sisters are made up of such girl candy as Lacey Chabert (Mean Girls, Party of Five), Michelle Trachtenburg (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Grindhouse), Katie Cassidy (Supernatural) to name a few of the more recognizable starlets.

Time for Secret Santa, but, there’s a missing roommate, and a surprise new gift under the tree. The house mother tells the tale of the secret past of the house which most of the girls dismiss as urban legend. Throw in heart throb bad boy Kyle played by Oliver Hudson (Dawson’s Creek) who isn’t supposed to be there and let the blood bath begin.

A few bodies and red herrings later…The missing girls real sister Liegh played by Kristen Cloke (Willard, Final Destination) shows up to add to the possibility of a new killer or maybe just a hot MILF for the older fan base to caress with their eyes and not feel too guilty because she’s of age. Leigh is a breath of fresh ass kicking air and from moment one is taking no one’s shit. She’s the very opposite of the dumbass blonde that runs into the dark cellar alone when she hears an odd noise. I confess, she’s my favorite character in the whole movie, when she first appeared in the film I thought for a moment it was Janice Dickenson, which would have given the movie an even larger camp status…but, after a few seconds I realized the woman playing Leigh was a really great actress and could no way be that crazy big lipped model lady.

From here on out it’s a full assault on the inhabitants of the house. With some really awesome death scenes and great scares. I’m not gonna tell you exactly how it ends, but, some of the girls are allergic to sharp objects embedded in their flesh. The best, end all be all, 5 star scene of the movie is our killer using cookie cutters on his mother’s back, cooking the pieces of skin, and then dipping them in milk before he eats them. YAY!!!!

Directed and Re-Written by Glen Morgan (Final Destination, Willard) in such a way that there’s a certain bitchy glamour to all of our would be victims and a dastardly holiday feel in the sorority house that makes you feel at home…before you are strangled with a plastic bag. The production value of this film is so solid that the jokey atmosphere is absolutely taken as absurd reality. The tempo of the plot is firm without leaving you a moment to get bored and wonder when it may be over. In closing Black Christmas has become a holiday favorite, at least of mine. If you’re in the mood for an unrelenting cut’em up babe fest pick this up ASAP and no matter what the box says…definitely “Open Before X-Mas.”

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* Acting – 4
* Blood – 5
* Violence – 5
* Partying – 3
* Language – 5
* Humor – 4
* Predictability – 3
* Girls – 5
* Gore – 4
* Sexuality – 4
* Torture – 3
* Overall – 4

The government has taken a new found interest in the abandoned site. They’ve sent in a team to do some repairs on a few shelters so that the Marines can use the piece of land as a training ground for teams of new recruits. Usually in most of these reviews it’s easy to tell you who all the characters are but this sequel moves at such break-neck speed that you go more off faces than call-signs.

Much like the first “Hills” remake “2″ introduces us to a group of unsuspecting people in a deserted desert setting. This time it’s a group of soldiers in training who quickly become stranded. This time though not only do we venture around the hills, but deep inside the mines where these “Morlocks” dwell. The violence is just as ultra as the first, but you’re barely given time to breath between scenes of violence as each soldier gets picked off.

I suggest watching this movie back to back with the first one. It’s a lot of gore but totally worth it. I know I had a great time. One might wish that a 3rd installment was in the making. The remake sequel was even scripted by its creator Wes Craven.

1. Movies, Television. a tongue-and-cheek documentary film, radio or television program, etc. that combines the elements of a mockumentary and a shockumentary into a campy package full of dark humor and faux-slasher biographic narrative.

I found this film so tastefully unique that I had to coin a new definition of its genre. Behind the Mask is Spinal Tap meets Friday the 13th in a hilarious account of the curriculum vitae of one Leslie Vernon (Nathan Baesel), an up-and-coming serial slasher seeking to establish his stylistic legacy of murder by employing innocent journalist Taylor Gentry (Angela Goethals) and her two crewmen Doug (Ben Pace) and Todd (Britain Spellings) to document his auspicious return to Glen Echo. As any successful slasher can tell you, body count is second only to the myth behind the man; and the legend of Leslie Vernon is ripe for his second-coming in the rustic town of his childhood.

When the crew finally meet Leslie, however, they are not quite prepared for the likes of this would-be walking slaughterhouse – the guy is downright likable. He’s versed in clinical psychology, armed with a razor wit, and carries an infectious smile. He’s every mother’s dream, and every father’s worst nightmare. He wields a boyish charisma that would be welcome company at 3:00 am when you’ve reached the last of the blow.

Until he puts on the mask.

We watch with Taylor and her cameramen as Leslie exposes the life of a mass murderer with gleeful charm: from selecting his principal victim, or “survivor-girl” (Kate Lang Johnson) to a play-by-play of how and where each of her entourage will meet their demise. We are introduced to his mentor, Eugene (Scott Wilson), and his nemesis, or “Ahab,” Doc Halloran (Robert Englund). And as the final pieces of his story unfold through the handheld cameras, we gain sympathy for his quest – a not-so-subtle commentary on the media a la Rémy Belvaux’s Man Bites Dog.

Soon, however, the interview must end. In a fantastic plot twist, all the elements of this film are pulled together quite nicely (if somewhat predictably). All-in-all, I recommend this film for its departure from the norm, a refreshing and devilishly funny spin on a genre that could stand a bit of introspection.

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* Acting – 4
* Blood – 2
* Violence – 2
* Partying – 2
* Language – 2
* Humor – 4
* Predictability – 2
* Girls – 3
* Gore – 1
* Sexuality – 2
* Torture – 1
* Overall – 2